Selfish Love
By Stacy McDonald
"Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others."
(Agape love) - "Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil."
Do we love our husbands unselfishly? God's love is righteous and unselfish. Should this not be our goal as well? If you are married, your most important ministry is to your husband and children. Let us examine our motives in loving our husbands..
The world will tell us that LOVE is a romantic-tingly feeling. The type that gives us butterflies and makes our heart race. This is an immature and self-seeking love. It usually has more to do with lust than a true committed love. It's based on feelings instead of on the Word of God.
The world will also tell us that LOVE is "having my needs met." Hmmm….MY needs? That's a very selfish focus, don't you think? This definition of love will always lead to profound disappointment.
Most of us would say, "THAT'S OBVIOUSLY selfish. I would NEVER think that way!" Let's picture this scene together...
You decide to surprise your husband with a romantic evening alone. You spend a week finding an acceptable baby sitter for your children to stay with for the night. (no small job!) You shop at five different stores looking for "the perfect" new nightgown (one that will hide enough to still be attractive after childbirth and show enough to make for an intimate evening alone). You buy a very expensive filet mignon and search for just the right recipes to make a wonderful candlelight dinner alone with your honey! You clean the house from top to bottom, have your hair styled and your nails done (something you haven't done since 4 babies ago!) You light lavender scented candles all over the house and wait ever-so patiently for him to arrive home.
He was supposed to be home by 6:00 pm and it is now 6:43 pm (not that you're noticing the time).
The filet mignon that was medium rare, has now become well done as it warms in the oven and the lettuce in the salad is quickly wilting. At 7:45 pm the candles have burned out and so have you. He walks in the door looking tired and disheveled. He mentions something about horrible traffic and a presentation that is due by 7:00 a.m. the next morning. He fumbles into his study, briefcase in hand, leaving you in the kitchen in a very pretty nightgown and a very well done steak in the oven. To top things off, he calls for you to bring him his dinner in the study because he won't have time to eat at the table.
How do you react?
It's all right to be disappointed, but would you be angry? Let's analyze why. If your desire is truly to serve him and his needs, what are his needs right now?
- To eat a meal convenient for working in the study to finish the job that provides for you and the children.
- Maybe he needs help with filing, typing, or whatever else would help him get his work finished quickly and efficiently.
- Bringing in comfortable clothes or pajamas.
If you are angry then you are saying:
- "I wanted a romantic evening!"
- "I wanted to feel desired and loved!"
- "I wanted his undivided attention!"
This is a selfish focus even though it's easy to tell ourselves we are doing this all for him and to please him. Our disappointment and anger gives us away! Our desire should be to serve his true needs and Godly desires, not serve selfishly for what we want him to need or want. That is SELF serving, not OTHERS serving. It's just better hidden.
Now, here is the challenge:
Ask the Lord to bring to mind, three needs that your husband has that would not benefit you in any way. They should be things that he has not asked you to do. Write these down. Ask the Lord to empower you to serve Him and your husband this week, by meeting these needs in a submissive, humble and loving way. Never open your mouth to remind him that you've done any of these things. Remember that you are doing these things as unto the Lord, NOT to receive direct results in your relationship with your husband. You may be pleasantly surprised with your husband's reaction, but then again, how will you react if he doesn't notice? It may be that the Lord wants to teach us something through this that has nothing to do with our husbands, so beware of selfish motives!
